why does it have to take so long?

 

I saw Silent Light this week, where I learned that some people move too slow even for me. Adulterous Mennonites have huge pores, as I know having spent long, agonizing moments contemplating them. It’s possible to linger over everything for longer than you thought possible, which is an idea I like better in retrospect than I did in the theater. It’s a beautiful movie, but uncomfortable, because everything becomes super amplified. 

I finally faced facts today and bought snow boots for the first time in my life. Snow is wet, I’ve determined, and ice is slippery, and because this is true I now have footwear adequate for coping with this reality. Why does it take me so very long to come to grips with very basic ideas? I do not know. 

In a burst of New Year idealism, I have decided to organize my collection of index cards. Jasper helped. 

I’ve spent the week thinking about what I can control and what I can’t, and what a great relief it is to not to have to control absolutely everything. 

I remembered on the train today that once upon a time I had an enormous list of rules for every contingency. A literal list! 

I mean, I was kidding, sort of, but really! 

I think it was the nice catholic girl in me. 

I sent a copy of the list to the person who said the above to me. I don’t think she got it. 

We had a very awkward dinner a few years ago. 

I think she was under the impression that because I wasn’t married and hadn’t given birth that I was leading a much more exciting life than I actually have. 

Or that I was crazy, one or the other. Perhaps both. 

It’s uncomfortable to be in the middle of a conversation with someone and realize they’re not speaking to you, they’re speaking to a projection of the character they’ve made of you in their head.